Apart because it's too hard to start when never near causes fear...Something has been bothering me lately. I’ve been watching a lot of old 90’s sit coms and teen shows lately and I have noticed an unruly pattern. Whenever characters have to separate or face distance often the answer is to break up. Now I know teens should not always necessarily be encouraged to stay in relationships of their youth. In fact it is likely rare that it is a good idea to encourage it. The upsetting thing to me is the reasoning behind it. See most often these characters end up splitting up when they go to college or move to a new city. Surely distance is not something that a relationship can endure. This seems so foreign to me. When I was only 10 we moved to another country for a year. Over seas even. And when we returned I continued to keep in contact with most of my closest friends. Of course it was hard back before Facebook Instagram and Twitter. But with email and msn it was certainly possible. The distance never caused me to feel less of friend. If anything my heart grew fonder of the connections that endured. It proved we valued the friendship enough to take the time and effort to stay connected. As I’ve grown older and near my 30’s (a mere few months away at the time I am initially writing this) my best friend now lives on almost the exact opposite side of the world in Australia. And yet he is the person I speak to most throughout each week. Some days even more so than my own roommates. Why, I ask, should this be any different with love? Why is distance a death sentence for a relationship on television? If you love someone you won’t need to be with anyone else when you are apart. Sure there may be days when its awfully hard and your heart cracks just thinking about the distance (even during moments when you are blessed to be together). But it isn’t impossible. To me it comes down to where your priorities are. If you cannot stand distance than it wasn’t the person you longed for, it was proximity and another human being to numb your own pain. I suppose the difficulty comes that both people need to be fully all in. But if they are, it shouldn’t be a problem. Well, by problem I mean it shouldn’t be a deal breaker. Certainly distance is a problem, but a surmountable one that can be overcome. And there are so many options now adays to get creative and stay connected. Every relationship comes with hardships and problems that will need to be solved. Why does this particular one seem to be one that we would all rather avoid than try to work through? I’m baffled by it. Now I admit that perhaps this may be in part because I do tend to be a lone wolf at times. And to me distance is not a crack in a relationship, but rather brings excitement when you get to reconnect and share about all the growth that has been happening in each of your own lives while apart. Not just in the physical distance way, but having different activities throughout the week when you are in the same city too. Keeping your own identity and walking together through life rather than merging into one to the point that you no longer fully recognize yourself.
I never want to lose who I am in a relationship but rather be celebrated for my differences and appreciated for having my own mind and thoughts. I want to be able to mutually encourage one another to have our own adventures without feeling like we have to put them aside for each other. Even when it’s hard and painful to encourage pursuit of things that may cause temporary distance or leave me feeling lonely for a brief moment. Because my loneliness is my own to deal with and I would never want to expect another person to carry the weight of that. And because I want to be able to love in a way that let’s the other person flourish and be all that they are called to be, even the parts of them that require being on their own.
And as human beings the very nature of interdependence requires that each of us be on our own at least some of the time no matter how committed the relationship is. If we never spend time on our own or interacting with other human beings it quickly becomes codependence and so many studies show the damage that can do. So distance, whether in the physical sense of living in different cities or even countries for a season, or spending intentional nights each week with different friend groups or alone, in my opinion is a necessary ingredient in a relationship. If it becomes a deal breaker than there are other factors in play that constant exposure to one another was simply hiding. Distance is a resource that can be used either wisely or poorly. Only you get to decide how you choose to engage with it. Consider it an opportunity or a detriment. It is up to you.
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Life Coach Practitioner Katelyn Townsend helps individuals like you build enriched lives full of joy. Archives
December 2022
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