Something I’ve been reflecting a lot about lately is identity. Identity is more than just a jig saw puzzle from the box with tiny shapes resembling squares filling in the blanks. Like a game of Tetris, with many shapes and sizes that sometimes feel like they leave gaps in the overall image. There are so many pieces and possibilities and we get to the architect placing each exactly where we want it to go. Except unlike Tetris, once placed the pieces are not static, and we can shift them daily or even moment to moment. There are core pieces of our identity that seem to stay with us wherever we go and other pieces that seem to bounce in and out of frame depending on the day. Identity is layered. The sum of many parts yet beyond it. I’ve been reflection on identity a lot lately and how having illness has impacted it more than I once thought. It’s a difficult balance because if you let it, illness can become all consuming and override the other elements of your identity. Yet up until this point I think I tend to at times swing toward the other direction and live in denial of my illness, feeling like I should be capable of doing all the things I once was able to. Fact is, spending too much time on either side of that equation can warp your identity.
Allow me to explain. For those of you who have not yet heard, about 3 years ago now I was diagnosed with Psoriatic Disease. A disease where my immune system attacks my joints and nerve endings throughout my body. In some ways a mish mash of msn and rhumetoid disease (also known as rheumatoid arthritis but the title offers connotations far different from what the disease actually is). Individuals with Psoriatic Disease experience a breaking down of the body that leaves them in pain and some may become wheel chair bound or even bed ridden. The uniqueness of Psoriatic Disease is that it also isn’t constant. Flare ups occur where there is immense pain and immobility, and once gone the pain might diminish even as far as almost not being there. Almost. Today I am struggling to open a bottle of water. A few months ago, I could lift a 30-pound box without a second thought. The struggle for me has been that many of the activities I once engaged in, hiking, jogging, kayaking, swimming, etc. are now currently near impossible – especially for prolonged periods of time. For many years these were tied to my identity. To deny my disease is to deny that I do still want to be partaking in these things. And perhaps one day I will be able to again; treatments shift and as I mentioned above it is not constant. But right now I simply can’t. Wanting to work towards the possibility of engaging in these things one day again and believing that day can come - that is true positivity. Denying my current state or ignoring it in order to only talk about the good in my life (which there is also of course plenty of good happening too) is not true positivity. It’s ignorance of how much my health concerns are actually impacting my life. Including my identity. Now of course God will always be at the centre of my identity. I believe I am my soul, not just the activities I do. But the activities that I do have the capability of expressing that soul to the world. And yes there are different ways to express them than the activities listed above, but part of identity is in the style of expression of who we are, not just the fact that we are expression it.
Having this disease does mean I at times cannot engage in the world in the way I fully want to. But it is also far from being the only way I engage in the world. Balancing both sides is how you take a healthy approach to identity. Not just with illness, but with many other things as well. You are not fully any part of your identity, you are the Tetris game of many pieces forming how you want it to look at any given moment, rearranging, shifting and juggling each piece until it fits exactly as you would like it to given the current layout of pieces you have to work with.
So for those of you with illness who have ever had people tell you never to identify with it, graciously choose how, when, and why you are choosing to identify with certain elements of it and understand that unless they have ever been there, it may just never make sense to them. You are allowed to admit the impact it has on you and how your life has shifted. That is your call, not theirs. At the same time never be afraid to push your self, choosing never to give up and celebrating each victory along the way. I finally got that water bottle open. Today that is my victory. Far different from that 2-hour trek up a mountain, but in this moment just as important. What’s yours?
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Life Coach Practitioner Katelyn Townsend helps individuals like you build enriched lives full of joy. Archives
December 2022
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